21 Reasons the World Won’t End on the 21st

by Joe Thomas


Too many people focus on harbingers of doom. Here are some signs that everything is perfectly normal and no one should panic.

1. Neither major professional sports team based in north Florida has a winning record.

2. George Clooney is still unmarried.

3. Nobody has found Jimmy Hoffa yet.

4. I’m still sick of hearing people talk about Notre Dame football.

5. We’re facing impending financial doom.

6. Grover Norquist is still saying absurd things.

7. Nathan Deal thinks we need more highways.

8. The Rolling Stones are still putting out albums.

9. I still don’t have a bachelor’s degree.

10. The Georgia Bulldogs are playing in the Capital One Bowl.

11. Bleacher Report is still using stupid slideshows for all their stories.

12. There’s an ongoing corruption investigation at Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport.

13. There’s a new bar opening in Athens.

14. There still isn’t going to be a Ghostbusters III (probably).

15. “And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.” Nope.

16. Tim Tebow is still on an NFL roster, thus the hand of God has been stayed, but it’s the Jets, which proves that God has a wicked sense of humor.

17. Very few zombies.

18. It’s mid-December and I can wear shorts outside, just like always.

19. Suburban Atlanta’s residents still don’t want public transit.

20. I’ve got something on the 22nd at eleven, and I’ve already moved it twice.

21. Neil deGrasse Tyson says the world isn’t going to end.